Fountain of Youth

He looks down on me with a cautious hand stretched out trying to hide the pain in his eyes and the slight tremble in his fingers. The air is filled with stillness even though the lively city is buzzing around us with car horns, ambulances sounding off and the clacks of hooves punching the pavement singling to the bystanders to make way. I pause and observe the horse drawn carriage and wonder if the horse is thinking, "Man I should be asleep right now like all the other animals," but here his majesty is- working in the heat of a late summer night. I give the horse a smile and send him good vibes hoping and yet knowing he receives them when I hear a neigh as he disappears behind an old white stucco house. I look back to the other tired majestic creature in front of me. I blink my own tired eyes and to my surprise the eyes I peer into do not even seem phased or annoyed by my silence. I figure he is probably used to my quiet observational moments in the world but I find my words lacking. My eyes are dry from spilling too many emotions too quickly and drinking too many...refreshments just not of the refreshing kind. I realize suddenly that my mouth has become ajar and I am puzzled at that realization because my mouth is usually slammed shut grinding on my poor yet strong teeth, but in this moment the only anatomy that's doing any work is my mind. I am in awe that minutes of silence have passed by and we are both frozen like a picture waiting to be taken, but neither of us want to remember this moment, but that doesn't stop me from snapping a quick photo of the fountain in front of me that kept me company for the 20 mins I sat at its waters, alone, in the dark, in a busy city before he came and not even to my rescue may I add. I somehow felt more safe, emotionally speaking and seen in the confusion and anxiety of my own silence. I sat there quiet and still while couples and homeless people alike came to find comfort by the steady streams of fountain. I found comfort in not being noticed even as bejeweled heels adorn my stead fast feet as I approach the alabaster like walking down an aisle. I have grown accustomed to not making a fuss while walking, perhaps to some accord to not draw attention but I have always loved the idea of walking silently across the earth careful to not disturb my surroundings like the silent patters of winter birds in the snow. Yes, birds and prey animals alike must walk silently to avoid danger but I am no prey animal and I know how to deal with danger. I walk silently as to not disrupt my strong stream of consciousness. To my dislike, I have also noticed as I have grown that I have veiled myself in vigilance, constantly aware of my presence as to not intimidate anyone especially the watchful eyes of the jealous woman. I would 100% stare down a wild cougar than walk up in my heaviness and confidence to a bevy of bothered "besties". At almost 6 feet in anything other than my sneakers and a true hourglass figure with wide shoulders and wide hips, and to everyone but my people's annoyance a full smile and an even fuller personality I tend to um...trigger. So as I walk in silence toward the sanctuary and cover of the sounds trickles I can breathe. Fully. Closing my eyes and inhaling deep widening my already wide shoulders and taking up the space I need to stretch my back from carrying the DDs and love handles that keep me supple and warm. Gosh I love when I take up space with no worry of being perceived, or judged. This darkness is now my bestest friend I declare with a quiet giggle. I find a bench in the darker shadows of the park and estimate how long I have of solitude until my beloved inevitably finds me. I have been overstimulated and overwhelmed all day and always to my annoyance nothing seems to bother that man and unfortunately I have taken out my frustration one too many times to both of our liking. So now- I sit. I take up space. I breath. I take in my surroundings. Observing. Never judging. Goodness no- I have been under the judgmental eyes of too many to ever want to truly cast unnecessary judgement on anything. Even inanimate objects. I am not beyond approach to say I have never cast judgement as I have too much self respect to not cast the appropriate judgement on the people and places I surround myself with, but that is to observe, assess and decide if they are my kind of people and my kind of place- you know- the good kind. Good hearted. Clean. Ambition. Dare I say organized? Clever. Inspiring... the works. But what I make sure to do that I do separates my kind from the judgmental ones is that I hold myself to the same caliber I set for others. I abhor hypocrisy and that means I have hated myself every single time I have been hypocritical. And that train of thought is what brings myself back to reality. Self Loathing. I hate myself every time I am unpleasant to the most pleasant man I know. So I gave myself space to gather my thoughts and try to find the peace of mind that comes with forgiveness. His dark shaggy hair comes to mind and I smile at how I always want to run my hands through it. His smile warms my soft belly and his eyes... they are the kind of beauty only the eyes that choose to see beauty in the world have. My heart aches as my memory once again assaults' me. My hand automatically covers my heart and I notice how my fair skin is the only thing giving me away in the shadows as it casts a soft blue glow. I look up to thank the full moon for blowing my cover and then quickly send up a heart felt thank you for also keeping me company right now. I can't tell how much time has passed but my heart stutters to alarm me that my soulmate is near and sure enough I turn around and see his long strides walking right up to me. I roll my eyes at how he easily appears to be the stealthy panther I wish I was, not trying to be silent or light on his feet- he just is. He is light in step and light in heart. He is the soft snow on my grand mountainous terrain. I am quiet as well, but there is no doubt who takes up more space in our relationship. He, to my hearts delight has never once tried to carve out a road to split through my land as he is something even more potent. He is the patient river that naturally, over time carves his own path through my roughest ridges. Before he gets too close to cloud my vision I inhale one last moment of this special time of solitude. Ready to forgive and to move on with our evening, and with his stretched out hand I'm in awe.