Allowing failure

Peace.

What is it to you? Is it religious? Is it sacred to you? To what lengths have you gone to gain your peace? How quickly does it disappear? Who in your life disturbs your peace? What in your life disturbs your peace?

Do you know the difference between calmness and peacefulness?

Have you ever experienced real peace?

Do you find it rare to have peace?

From an introverted, anxious, depressed perspective, peace is a true rarity. My mind hardly ever allows myself to experience calmness let alone peace. I work so hard to obtain a peaceful mind and life, I do. I am usually good at discerning bad intentional people and I usually have healthy boundaries that keep negative people at bay but all of that is very time consuming. My life has been hectic lately to say the least and I have failed myself. I have allowed people to steal my joy. I have allowed people to walk right over my carefully laid out boundaries. I have neglected myself trying to finally live a normal life after a year of seclusion and reflection. I was excited to finally have my energy levels back. I was excited to have wonderful friends in my life. I was excited to be getting married. I was excited about taking another year of school to allow myself time to work and finish my studies purposefully. My excitement in life came back and for me this is also a rarity. I looked too intensely on the bright horizon and failed to see the mud I was walking in that was slowing me down. I was too busy smiling at my new marriage to see fallen tree branches waiting to trip me. I was too busy enjoying the warm sunlight to see that I had been laying face down in the mud and debris of life's shortcomings. Failed friendships. Toxic relationships. Disappointments. Social anxiety. Insecurities. Financial burdens. Overwhelming responsibilities all covered me as I was merely trying to enjoy life again.

This may all be confusing to you but for anyone who feels like they never do enough or for the person who is trying to heal while life is in full force... you understand. Life doesn't stop and let you sit and rest.

Maybe I am too weak. Maybe, but I will sit here in my mud and debris until I learn from this. I will cry. I will scream in pain. I will grin and bare it. I will feel every emotion that ebbs and flows.

But then... after who knows how long it takes... I will rise. I will rise wiser. I will rise stronger. I will rise more independent more determined. I will rise to my hands and knees and then to my feet. I will close my eyes and smile while I walk through another wave of life's obstacles, unbothered.

This. This for me is peace. The ability to smile while walking through broken promises, dreams, relationships... Its knowing your own innate abilities will carry you and knowing this higher power will give you strength to carry on. The knowledge that no one can take your peace. You only allow them to. This is why I have failed. This is why I am still learning. This is why I have to continue to learn. I must. My peace, joy, calmness, my quality of life depends on it.